Being A Survivor - What it means to me.

I AM A SURVIVOR
THIS PIC WAS ONE OF MY HIGHSCHOOL SENIOR PICTURES
1983-1984
I WAS A SURVIVOR THEN I AM STILL A SURVIVOR NOW

Some people would think that I am going to air out everything here with this topic. To an extent, yes I am and no I am not going to out all the hidden reasons that I am a survivor. The lies that cover the hidden will stay where they are. It is easier for all involved to believe that I am the bad seed then let the truth be out there. The truth wouldn't help anyone at this point anyway. So the secrets remain secrets. I am a survivor, I will keep being a survivor, the road is long and hard but I can do it, I have been doing it for many, many years.  I am a survivor.

I bet you are wondering what the secrets and lies are.  But here is the thing, even though it would help me to an extent it would ruin others and I have survived and still survive, so what good would it do to upset the others lives. I have always been the one to know I am the sweep under the rug or in the closet secret, I have lived with it all these years and let the reputation of bad kid, bad seed family member become mine. In some ways a few things have changed, but I don't trust it and I have a very good reason not to trust it. I will never trust it, because of the years before the last few more than made the trust not able to come. I have survived horrible things that no one should survive, but the lies hide the truth. So that the people can go on thinking I am the screwed up bad seed of my family. Oh yes, I am screwed up but the why's cannot be shared to keep the peoples good lives good. So I will stay the bad seed, when in truth I am a survivor.

A survivor that struggles with depression daily, a survivor who has low to no self-esteem. A survivor who is struggling with the fact that so many people think that they are better than I am. A survivor that is not even comfortable where I live, because I feel truly unwanted for me. Do I explain that, no because well airing dirty laundry to me is just ridiculous and unfair to everyone involved. Because no matter what there is always three sides to a story yours, theirs and the truth. So I will only talk about how I feel and keep the dirty laundry out of this topic.

This Topic is all for me. I am a survivor, but I keep wondering why I keep surviving and the what the hell am I surviving for. I am hurt, I am even a little angry. But mainly I am tired, tired of people using me as their verbal punching bag and scapegoat, especially when I know I do not deserve to be treated that way. I am a survivor and I do not deserve to feel used and feel like I am not good enough. I am a survivor, and I do not know what I am surviving for.

I have always been the first to tell a person that I am not perfect, with all I have been through in my life there was no way I could even get close to perfect.  I could only do the best I could, I still only do the best I can and I am still no where near perfect.  I am a survivor. I am a survivor. Hell I can't even be a good judge of character when it comes to men. Anyone really close to me or of family knows that I  have had very bad judgement when it comes to the men I have loved in my life.  All of them have been abusive in one form or another and there are many forms the main three being physical abuse, mental abuse and verbal abuse. I cannot even think about ever having another in my life at this point as I cannot trust my judgement.  I am lonely, but I am a survivor. I keep the secrets and in keeping the secrets I get to be that bad guy or bad seed. I am the family member that can do nothing right even in my own kids eyes and they know the secrets and they know I fight depression daily and how bad it can get at times. But everyone seems to think it is their right to judge me as a bad person, instead of the good person that I am.  I am a survivor. I am a survivor.

I am a survivor and sometimes like today, I just don't understand what I am surviving for. Tomorrow I will look at my grandbabies and know that they don't judge me and that they love me unconditionally and I will know that they are the reason that I am still surviving another day. Fighting the depression and the thoughts and feelings that I do not belong. They make me feel wanted and loved and make me keep up the fight to survive my life, that long ago was put on a path that should not have ever been.

I AM A SURVIVOR.